Funerals, Religion and the Not Religious
My 25 year old cousin died overseas a few weeks ago, and because (of course) things take longer to arrange when someone young dies in a foreign country we only had a the funeral last Friday.
The service itself was quite nice and was somewhat unusual for my family in that it all took place in the crematorium (rather than in a church) and was what one would describe as a modern service. There were a couple of poems, a slideshow of photos and tributes from his Facebook message board, a eulogy given by his mother and younger brother and a short address.
As these things go, it was perfectly ok. Later on as I was mingling at the post-funeral reception (?) I found out that the guy leading the service was a local free church minister whose sons had been to primary school with my cousins. And, that didn’t surprise me at all, because although my dad seemed to think it wasn’t very religious, it had several prayers, the coffin was brought in to the chapel to the words “I am the way, the truth and the light”, we all recited the Lord’s Prayer and the address was about God being a rock to those who are suffering. Short of a full requiem mass, I’m not sure how much more religious you could make it.
Which got me thinking. The minister who lead the service was pretty good. It was clear that he knew the family reasonably well, and he had made an effort to cater to their beliefs rather than adhering strictly to his own. Most of my extended family are quite religious - especially the older generation - and all (including me) were brought up going to church every week, so I bet lots of people in attendance wanted and appreciated the sentiment of the thing - God will comfort you in your grief, we hope to meet again in the after life.
Unsurprisingly it didn’t really appeal to me. My cousin was much loved and had obviously had a positive impact on people that he had come into contact with, that will be comfort enough for me without invoking the supernatural. But, what about my funeral?
I don’t really like the idea of some priest or minister putting words into my mouth that I haven’t held in life. I wouldn’t like God to be invoked as I think that God is not real. I don’t like things being involuntarily being blessed in Jesus’ name, and that includes me.
On the other hand, if it’s my funeral, I’ll be dead. Meaning that I don’t get a say for a reason. Funerals aren’t really about the dead who, let’s face it, are going to be just as dead if no funeral ever takes place. Funerals are about the living. If it would make my family more comfortable to give me a Christian burial, why should I complain?
For me personally, it’s complicated by the fact that my parents are my next of kin only because there isn’t anyone else better placed. We get on fine, but I’m just not that close to either of them. And they aren’t exactly on great speaking terms with each other. They’d be the ones deciding on a funeral, and my dad doesn’t know that I’m an atheist, and my mum and one of my brothers think that it’s a phase (the other brother is also an atheist).
Should a funeral be a reflection of the person that has died, or something to comfort the bereaved? And what if those two things collide rather than complement? How much say should you get in your own funeral?
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5 Responses to “Funerals, Religion and the Not Religious”
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It’s certainly a tricky question.
On the one hand, the deceased isn’t there to be bothered about their own funeral, so maybe it’s best to keep those still living happy as far as possible.
On the other, perhaps the thought of being misrepresented after you’re gone might bother you while you are alive. I’d definitely be annoyed if I thought my personal history would be re-written as soon as I wasn’t around to set it straight. That would kind of negate what I stood up and said; what I believed wouldn’t count for anything.
My grandmother certainly sounded a lot more religious at her funeral than she ever did in life, although I don’t think the service was too far from what she would have wanted. Maybe she did believe in God, but she never mentioned religion.
I figure that, once I’m dead, the way others think of me ceases to be an issue. People will remember me however they choose to, and since I’m hardly a major figure in global affairs, it makes little difference whether I’m remembered as a saintly, guru-like holy man, a cynical nihilist, a baby-eating psychopath or a phenomenal tiddly-winks player. Admittedly if I had some standing in the community and thought people might be influenced by my legacy then it might bother me more, but as it is those who know me best will remember me as I would like to be remembered, and those who know me less well - well, if a Christian funeral is a comfort to them, then so be it.
I liked this post - I’ve only just found your blog, but it’s proving very thought-provoking. Nice work.
I’ve given some thought to this issue since my de-conversion from Christianity. Since funerals are really for the living, I suspect that there will be some Christian content at my funeral. On the one hand, I find that annoying, as it will not reflect my life and values as I’m living now. On the other hand, if it comforts the loved ones, well - so be it.
I hope people remember me as one who desired to please God with every area of my life and that I have finally gone to my real home. John 3:16
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
@rocketc:
I have no doubt that you’ll be remembered as one who desired to please God. And I don’t have a problem with your belief in salvation.
But spare a thought for those of us who are likely to be mis-remembered in death because our relatives don’t know or don’t want to admit that we are the people that we are - good atheists.