Things a Good Liberal Should Never Admit To
Things that good liberal atheists should never admit to:
- any homophobic tendencies whatsoever
One of my younger brothers, who I am naturally very fond of, sort of came out a little while ago. And I say, sort of, because in true Gen Y fashion he actually changed his facebook profile to show that he was in a relationship with a guy, let’s call him James. This is not the biggest surprise ever, as for the last few months, James has been practically the only person that my brother has talked about - they go out to dinner together a lot, my brother stays at his house a lot, they’ve even been on holiday together twice. It’s pretty cute really.
This is the sort of announcement that I have been expecting for years, and I’m not even surprised that way that I discovered it. I expect to find out that one of my other brothers has a girlfriend in exactly the same way, and it’s also likely to be the way that my siblings find out about my next or subsequent boyfriends.
I like to think that I’m a liberal, and I’ve got no hangups about people, in abstract, being gay. I think of it mostly like being left-handed - a little quirk of someone that you know that may or may not have a big implication on their lives, but is nothing spectacular in and of itself. This is mostly abstract because off the top of my head I have only ever known well, three gay people (one man, two women) although I’m acquainted with maybe half a dozen more (all men).
Apparently, I have more of a problem when it’s my brother, because it squicks me out. *sigh*.
These are things that, as a liberal, you shouldn’t admit to, because they shouldn’t be true. I think that mostly, the thing that I have an issue with is actually the statement *my brother is gay*. It even feels really odd to write it down. I think/hope that that’s ok, because I also have an issue with the statement *my sister is straight*, that too feels a little gross and is equally true. I’m guessing and hoping that it’s ok and normal in the sense that people don’t like to think of close relatives actually having a sexual identity. I can live with that.
But at the back of my mind there’s a slight concern that maybe I’m not as liberal as I think I am. I’m not sure what to do about that. I want to be as liberal as I think I am. I’m proud of the progress that’s been made against all forms of unnecessary discrimination. I actually like to think that amongst people I know it’s mostly got to the stage where everyone knows that it’s not ok to be racist or homophobic and so they are ashamed of those opinions. This is, in my eyes, one step behind most people actually not being racist or homophobic (I think more progress has been made against racism in this respect).
In most of the abstract discussions I’ve had with people before, we’ve more or less come to the conclusion that it’s not really possible to stop being prejudiced, you can only learn to hide, and not act upon your wrong prejudices. I don’t want that to be true. I want to be cool and accepting and for this to be normal, and I think it nearly is. But nearly isn’t good enough for me.
I’m not sure what to do next, because liberals shouldn’t be admitting to any homophobia whatsoever. And I want to call myself a liberal.
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10 Responses to “Things a Good Liberal Should Never Admit To”
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Don’t worry, only a liberal would write a post like that!
I was going to say this, but I think you’ve worked it out yourself. Funny how writing can do that sometimes.
But I understand if the discovery gives you a whole load of images you don’t want. I don’t think that makes you homophobic.
I really don’t like fish. I happily accept that some people do and that it’s quite healthy. However, I still screw my nose up a bit when I see other people eating fish. Am I fishist? Or fish-eaterist?
It is funny how words sometimes change meaning - does “homophobic” mean to have a fear of gays? or something else
@rocketc:
As I’m sure you know, homophobic means to hold prejudice against gay people.
I guess if you’re going to get into the etymology it should be “fear of sameness” or something. Which would be a weird yet somehow understandable thing. Unlike prejudice against gay people, which is wrong. And it goes without say, particularly likely to cause offence to me if it’s directed at my family.
I heard that “homophobic” was originally used to mean “Fear of being homosexual”, although your etymology makes more sense.
Good post.
“we’ve more or less come to the conclusion that it’s not really possible to stop being prejudiced, you can only learn to hide, and not act upon your wrong prejudices.”
I don’t think this is true.
I do think that pretending we don’t have hang-ups and aren’t prejudiced is foolish. For one, it isn’t true. However liberated we are we’re going to have inherited assumptions and reactions from our homophobic society and the moment we stop looking for them we’ll stop finding them in our lives. Second, most people don’t like to think they’re homophobic even though they display prejudices that quite cleary are. Are we more likely to fight latent homophobia by saying “you’re homophobic” and them saying “no I’m not” or by admitting we’ve all absorbed homophobia and working to challenge each other?
The good news is I think it’s possible to be transformed into a less homophobic person. I know that in my early teenage years I found it gross to watch two men kissing and wouldn’t bat an eyelid now. I remember in my mid-teens being quite happy to join in the schoolchild lexicon of using “gay” or equivalent words as terms of abuse for straight people. I remember at university being against homophobia but still making some comments that I wouldn’t even think now because I hadn’t yet challenged those assumptions as homophobic. Liberation from homophobia as all prejudices comes gradually through a long process of challenging yourself and involving yourselves with those who face oppression and prejudice in a social and political context.
btw, do you live in a geographical area where there’s a lot of homophobia and people find it difficult to come out?
@tim f:
It’s not so much that I disagree with you, as that if you truly have *wrong* beliefs it’s difficult/impossible to persuade yourself that you should even try to get rid of them. The best the rest of us can hope for is that you learn that it is not acceptable to act on them.
I agree entirely with your point that we should seek to get rid of our prejudices. We should not pretend that they don’t exist, because then we’ll never get rid of them, but we should challenge the impact they have on our behaviour.
Oh, and I don’t think that the area that I live in is homophobic in general, my personal/family background (and my work environment for that matter) is probably more along the lines of *gay people don’t exist in the real world* than actually homophobic. Of course to an individual wanting to come out it’s probably nearly as difficult.
My brother’s gay. He’s also blond. To my mind the two are of about equal relevence in describing him.
Mind you, I do hate stupid people, so maybe I am a bit of a bigot, after all.
It’s brave of you to write such an honest post. Having identified and begun questioning your assumptions are the first steps toward overcoming your phobia. I think that, over time, as your relationship with your brother continues to grow in its many dimensions that have nothing to do with sex, you’ll think less about his sexuality and it will become less of an issue for you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re still liberal. In fact, you’re more liberal than many of us because you’re willing to confront your less admirable traits and overcome them.
I think you probably aren’t far off on the sibling-sexual-identity thing. The idea of my sibling having a sexual identity simply freaks me out.
Thank you for being honest, though. That’s a fantastic display of honesty and courage.
I read a book recently by the son of a woman who eventually came out, etc. One observation he came to later in life was that having to clarify his mother’s sexual orientation for people all the time meant that he was always having to think of his mother as a sexually-oriented person. That felt “squicky” to him as well. Most kids don’t like to think of their parents as having any kind of sexuality. And many siblings feel the same way (I don’t want to think about my little sister as a sexual person).
So I’m with the first commenter. It’s likely that as you internalize this part of his identity you’ll start thinking of his less explicitly as “gay little brother” and more as “little brother” again.