Atheists, and Prayers of Support
What do you say when everyone else is offering to pray for someone?
In my off-line life in the exceedingly (and pleasantly) secular United Kingdom this basically never comes up. It’s probably not just because we are secular - so you can’t assume that someone prays at all - but also because it’s unusual to share personal information, except amongst close friends.
However, online where I hang out with lots of lovely Americans, this come up far to often. A friend/acquaintaince will mention in a semi-private webspace that their loved one is sick. In response, nearly everyone posts one or two lines of encouragement and support. These lines invariably include the phrase *I’ll keep you in my prayers* or similar. What should an atheist contribute?
I think it would be disingenuous of me to say that I’ll pray for someone since I don’t pray, don’t think it accomplishes anything in particular, and people know this. On the other hand, *I’m thinking of you* somehow doesn’t quite seem appropriate. I’ve tried offering my best wishes, luck, and support at different times, but it always seems insufficient compared to everyone else’s deity invoking.
As a stereotypical English person, I can be socially awkward at the drop of a hat and if you can’t make a joke about it (preferably with understatement and irony) I’m often totally scuppered. I truly and genuinely care, and want to offer support but I always feel that language fails me at such moments, and that I end up getting it ever so slightly wrong. And of course,there’s often a very fine line between appropriate and offensive which I’m wary of crossing.
What should an atheist offer in lieu of prayers?
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14 Responses to “Atheists, and Prayers of Support”
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Being from a heavily Catholic country, I’m exposed to this a lot. I usually just say something to the effect of, “I hope everything works out for you,” and, if it’s appropriate, “Let me know if I can be of any help.”
Usually people know me well enough not to ask me to pray for them.
Hmm, I think you and Ramon have pretty much covered it. It’s definitely not the time to make a “statement”, but there are other options.
I would add to your “Send them my love”, if appropriate.
You’re right to discuss this, because it’s good to be prepared and not end up flustered and saying the wrong thing.
Please tell the McCain/Palin Campaign (preferrably politely) why teaching creationism in our public schools around America is superstitious and is not in our nation’s best interests. These are the feelers McCain has out there, the way in which Americans can have a voice and be heard by his campaign:
Contact his campaign directly here:
http://www.johnmccain.com/Contact/
Or go to his blogs and leave a polite message about the subject matter wherever appropriate:
http://www.johnmccain.com/blog/
Remember, McCain does a lot of things right and is a great heroic war veteran who genuinely puts his country first, but Creationism is one key area where he is completely wrong and could potentially create a major setback for American students and businesses. We can’t let America fall behind foriegn countries in the departments of Science and Technology because of his superstitious beliefs.
Ask yourself what you would like to hear if you were in their situation, or what you would find supportive. Then say it.
The truth is that most people will accept any expression of concern, support and good wishes in the spirit in which it is offered, and if you feel your non-theistic sentiments sound ham-fisted and inadequate, that’s your feeling, not theirs. It doesn’t affect the quality of the support they perceive themselves to be getting from you.
Quantum_flux:
A) School curriculum is a state issue, not a federal issue. It’s entire irrelevant what the President thinks about creationism.
B) But that’s not important since neither McCain nor Palin are actually in favor of teaching creationism. See this article, a contemporary article from the Anchorage Daily News and make sure to read down several paragraphs. The following quote is the most relevant: “In an interview Thursday, Palin said she meant only to say that discussion of alternative views should be allowed to arise in Alaska classrooms: ‘I don’t think there should be a prohibition against debate if it comes up in class. It doesn’t have to be part of the curriculum.’ She added that, if elected, she would not push the state Board of Education to add such creation-based alternatives to the state’s required curriculum.” McCain has said to the Aspen Times: “I think Americans should be exposed to every point of view. I happen to believe in evolution. … I respect those who think the world was created in seven days. Should it be taught as a science class? Probably not.”
In other words, both of them favor teaching evolution in schools and do a bit of political waffling to pretend that they are okay with those people who want to teach creationism, so they advocate not explicitly banning it from the classroom.
You should vote Democrat, then it won’t be an issue.
The Democrats would have beaten any Republican candidate this year except John McCain. I am still astonished that the Republican Party nominated the man, given how much the right wing of the party hates him. Meanwhile the Democrats nominated a junior Senator with minimal national experience whose principal claim to fame is that he gave a really good speech four years ago. Because anti-Republican sentiment is so high (McCain would have crushed Obama were this 2004), it’s set up yet another close election. It’s really a quite astonishing turn of events.
I supported Kerry over Bush in ‘04 and was expecting to support a Democrat again this year, but the Republicans (for once) did everything right and the Democrats (as usual) blew it.
“Thoughts” are fine. Many people who believe in a god also believe that that god hears thoughts. But it could also work with cosmic energy or karma or whatever one happens to believe.
Or nothing. I think it’s understood when you’re in a group of people and they know you’re not from the same religion.
Well, I’m glad to see that I’m not the only person interested in this kind of etiquette. Recently, an atheist friend asked me to report to a discussion board that we belong to regarding his health problems and the tragic loss of a beloved pet. He requested that in lieu of prayers that he would appreciate best wishes and perhaps some show tunes to cheer him up.
I thought this was a reasonable request, just as someone might ask for donations to charity of the donor’s choosing in lieu of flowers, and in keeping with my friend’s sense of humor and atheist beliefs. Imagine my shock when a certain “Christian” member began a nasty tirade, verbally abusing me for making such a respectful and polite request, claiming that I was being “offensive” and “idiotic” and a “moron”, depriving them of their “right” to pray for whomever they wanted, whenever they wanted, whether it was welcome or not.
Another thread on the same DB requested prayers for a gravely ill child. As an atheist myself, I offered sincere wishes for a complete recovery, but I refrained from grandstanding or making any comments regarding my personal beliefs on prayer because I feel it would have been inappropriate and totally unsupportive to do so.
if anyone ever threatened to pray for me i feel i would be forced to punch them in the face, repetedly, until they desisted.
failing that, i’d set my dogs on ‘em, would certainly would. fail, that is, they’re complete wussies.
Situations in which one would offer prayers of support are often situations which seem rather hopeless, situations where you can’t do anything practical to help, or really only small things which don’t solve the situation. You can bring casseroles and provide a shoulder to cry on to someone whose spouse isdying of cancer, but you can’t cure the spouse. You can go to God with it though.
(Religious people do pray for less hopeless situations too, but they are less likely to actually volunteer this information. You don’t often tell someone you are praying for their twisted ankle or their chemistry exam, unless you already know that you share the same faith. On the other hand, people who are only a little bit religious may only pray in the case of a real crisis.)
Basically, if you accept a religious worldview (and I do — I’m a Christian), and you pray for someone, you are doing something which you believe IS of practical use. You are interceding on that person’s behalf with the Supreme Being, or with another Being (a saint, for example) who you truly believe is in a position to do something about the situation, up to and including a miracle. It is like when your co-worker is about to be fired and you go to the boss and ask for him to be given a second chance — you are talking to the person you is in control.
I don’t see what you could possibly do which would be comparable as an atheist. You can certainly offer your support and kind thoughts and everything, but the praying person can do that too — PLUS intercede with the Creator of the Universe.
I don’t mean to offend or imply that atheists suck, but I just don’t see anything comparable for you.
Canadian,
I think I understand where you’re coming from. You think you’re doing something practical and helpful.
We (as atheists) think that praying is neither practical nor helpful. We think it’s about as good as telling your friend who’s lost his job that you’ll write a letter to Santa asking that he finds a new one.
I don’t think we’re being unreasonable. Being that prayer doesn’t really make any sense. Presumably the creator of the universe knows what he’s doing and isn’t healing that person for a very good reason. What makes you think that you in your less-than-infinite wisdom can change His mind? He’s got a perfect plan all worked out, with probably some justification for why some people suffer terrible ailments. Perhaps the creator says to himself, “oh wait, Canadian is asking that I heal this person - maybe my justification for that person’s suffering was wrong, I’ll heal them after all”.
Eshu, I am an atheist myself, but I must say that one of the things that most bugs me about many atheists is their smugly positing really obvious dilemmas for a religion (such as the “Problem of Evil”) without even bothering to see what wise religious believers have historically said about it (and there have been plenty of wise theists throughout history).
“God,” said Pascal, “instituted prayer in order to lend to His creatures the dignity of causality.”
Not all wise theists have believed in the efficacy of prayer. Many have claimed that prayer is primarily a means of connecting with the Deity. However, many have argued that prayer can be effective and essentially rely on the following claims. God, they claim, always delegates to his creatures when he can. He could feed the entire world with a thought, but instead gives us the means to feed ourselves. It may, therefore, simply be that prayer is yet another way in which he reconciles his omnipotence with free will. I.e. by praying, his followers are able to exercise their free will and request favors which they could not do for themselves. It is clear, though, that he would not always grant prayers since, in the end, his infinite wisdom decides what can be granted and what can’t. (Even Jesus’s prayers weren’t always answered. See Matthew 26:39-44. Three times Jesus requests that the cup pass from him; his prayer is not granted.)
Eshu: Of course you don’t believe praying could be practical or helpful — I’m just saying that religious folks do believe it is practical. From our point of view we are doing something useful; from your point of view we may be well-intentioned but are wasting our time. (To pick up your example, if a small child told you he was writing to Santa on your behalf, you would be touched and appreciative — even though you know it is pointless — because you know he does believe in Santa.)
There’s no point in entering into a theological justification of prayer because we are not starting from the same assumptions. I am not a deist; I believe in a personal God who cares for his creation. A God who never wills suffering but works always to redeem it (line stolen from Susan Howatch’s Starbridge series, which I recommend if you are interested in understanding the thinking of religious people who are not plaster saints) — and we can assist in the redemptive process. You don’t believe this, you think I’m deluded. Fine. It’s possible I am deluded. But it remains that I believe with all my heart that there is a God who hears my prayers, and when there is no other help I can offer I can at least offer my prayers.
Even when I hear the siren of an ambulance I offer up a quick prayer for the sick or injured person, the paramedics in the ambulance, and the doctors/nurses who will encounter him/her in the emergency room of the hospital. It’s the only thing I can do.